"Am I dreaming? Or am I seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak." -Bad Apple-Touhou-

I have been yearning for the past week or so. I'm not sure if it is because I was reading The Diviners by Margaret Laurence, or that my birthday is coming up. I'm yearning, almost painfully to break away. I go through the days, beat around in the jetstream of routine and everyday obligation. I go to school, try to do the best, get everything done ahead of time. The idea of doing things ahead of time is to have more time to yourself right? That doesn't seem to work with me. I just go at it and think about it so much for so long, until it's time to go to bed. I'm supposed to make time for fun, make time for myself...I just want time to write these days.

Yet I find myself holding in my inspirations, and my ideas. I hold them in until after class; until I get home; until I'm done studying. By the time I get around to sitting down and writing, I can't! It's awful. A waste of inspiration, brilliance, or whatever. It makes me want to stop. Stop everything, and take off. Go somewhere fairly isolated, to a cabin maybe. Spend my days in simplicity, and working on the important things. However, that seems crazy. Then I think, crazy works sometimes. Lots of people get their success from crazy acts, desperate acts. Crazy is sometimes the best thing a person has done for their life.

Still, it seems unlikely I would be able to drop everything and go. I'm always been waiting. Waiting to grow up, waiting to graduate, waiting to live. I wait to break free. I wait to be spontaneous. How paradoxical. I plan and wait for everything, no matter what. It's a little depressing.

Well, that's it. Just looking to get this out in hope that it could help,

A.J. Ryan

"What the Gentleman seeks is in himself, what the Small Man seeks is in others." -Confucius-

I'm so tired. I need to see a doctor, again. I should have sooner, but it just got to be too much stuff at once. I was feeling pretty good then too. There's probably something to act on now though.

I try to work on all the things to be the person I want to be, but it gets in the way.

This sucks.

A.J. Ryan

I'm so Sick

"They don't know I burn. You don't know 'cause you're too busy reading labels." Utada Hikaru -Devil Inside-

I'm so sick of sitting around. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm not who I want to be.

A.J. Ryan

Celebrate

"You never bend you never break, you seem to know just what it takes; You're a fighter!" Stan Bush -The Touch-

Time: 24 minutes
Distance: 1.7 miles
Cals: 270

I've been pretty busy this week, and yet I find things easier to handle when I have no time. My stress isn't even as high it seems. I haven't even eaten half of what I usually do!

So I went for a run today, despite the pain in the arch of my right foot I actually managed to run a mile straight, without feeling too winded or anything! Furthermore I did it in 14, that's right, FOURTEEN minutes! So that technically means I could run the 10 mile race in two and a half hours at this point. I just have to work up to running ten miles. Hopefully by July I will be able to do more than that at a better time. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Today lets celebrate, because we should all celebrate the small things.

My running shoes I think made this possible. I have the new Nike Lunar Glide shoes. They're like running on clouds. I don't even think about my feet or my knees anymore, except for today. That's only because I'm breaking in a pair of regular sneakers and it's proving to be a bit tough.

I also found out that the part of the Black Belt Physical test in my school is to run 2.5km in...I think 15 minutes. That's only a mile and a half!

Now, to just get a workout schedule figured out. I feel like I could run five days a week, but I know I definitely shouldn't. At least not at first. I have ot get some Strength training in there, and some more focused training like endurance and definitely core training! So maybe run just three times a week....hmmm...we'll see. I must read up on how to safely increase your mileage.

Can't wait to share this with people,

A.J. Ryan

ran one mile, too busy to say anything else.

The milk is empty....

"You still are blind, if you see a winding road, 'cause there's always a straight way to the point you see." Akeboshi -Wind-

It's Friday, and the milk is empty. The webradio refuses to work, on the interesting channel at least, and I'm staring into a month that only seems to be building more stress and more mess.

This week has felt disastrous. However, I would like to think that it just seemed that way due to an extra emotional state thanks to the time of the month. Which hasn't been so bad as of yet. I'm normally the most unbearable person to be around, even for myself. So I'd like to think I'm doing pretty good this month.

I would also like to give the thanks to the morning exercise I've done the past two days. I only wish that I could do it more often, like twice a day. The good feelings generally wear off by the afternoon. Sometimes, especially when staring down this great monster of jumbled tasks and errands I must do, I wish I could just leave it all behind and just keep walking on. On and on, until my mind is actually clear, not murky. If I knew how, I'd let it all go, but in reality that would be the end. When I let go, I forget, and then it effects other people, and hurts more in the end. I think what I like about running and walking is that I can forget for a while, I can feel nothing if I want to, and I can fully dream and create in my mind what the future could be like, unaffected by the past, or by the present obstacles. Like my quote says, if you can see it, it's possible to get there, and there's really no need for struggle.

So, I conclude to leave the milk for my mother's tea tomorrow morning and eat some yogurt instead. I switch to the jazz channel on the web radio, and try my best to relax. Things will work out over time, and I only have to deal with them when they meet me face to face. Tomorrow I will do the groceries for another week, and make a day for myself, finally visit the running store, spend as long as I like in the book store, maybe even eat out at a cafe or something. I can grumble about my long hours of work when I'm there, on Monday, standing around, watching the clock.


Hoping to be able to fit in some run/walks this weekend,


A.J. Ryan

Random

"Everybody feels the same" - Utada Hikaru- Nijiiro basu(The rainbow bus)

Change is scary. It can be downright terrifying. Even if you do want it. It doesn't just happen either. It's hard, and it's scary to fight for that sometimes, just like it can be scary to fight for what you want. You're taking a chance, risking things, walking a fine line. If you sway too far over, you could give the wrong impression, come off too bold. If you play it too safe, you won't get results. However, we have to act now. Going too far is probably better that not moving at all. No, it is better. Far better.

I went for a walk today. 4km I think. It was nice enough. I just went at whatever pace I felt like. I didn't watch the time as obsessively as I tend to and just walked. It was nice for once.

Trying not to wish away my time too much. Got a good weekend planned I think. Going to look at some running shoes I hope. Donno if I'll get any though. Depends on how expensive they turn out to be. I have to buy regular sneakers as well. Mine are five years old and most likely the reason my knees hurt so much.

...I still really want chocolate and junk food. I hope that passes. I always feel much worse once I've eaten it. Makes it very difficult to choose anything worth eating as well. School usually fixes that as well. I'm too stingy to break down and buy something since I bring all my lunch and snacks with me.

Has nothing more to say,

A.J. Ryan