Tourblesome....

"What am I leaving when I'm done here?" Linkin Park -Leave out all the rest-

My. Feet. Hurt. Actually, from the knees down hurts. I got carried away in TKD and took a nice chunk of skin off my foot. Sorry for the detail, but this is the way it is in all its disgusting glory.

I had a pretty good weekend. TKD party on Saturday, which led to a contract signing. Haha, donno who will actually keep to it, but I definitely will. It gives me a reason to run the Tele-10 next year. I want to anyway, but now I've said and written that I would. I signed that. Now I have to live up to it. It's hopefully another step to bringing me closer to what I want.

Sunday was great too! I got to spend some time with my brother, which doesn't happen often enough.

Oh, did I mention being late for everything.

What hurts lately, to be a bit more honest and deep than this short info. post, is how out of balance my life has become. It is sad and frustrating and practically consuming.

Sigh. I had a bit of a nightmare last night too. Again. That's two in the last week. I wonder if this is due to the unbalance? I hope nothing as bad as what I've been dreaming happens. I don't know if I can take it right now....

I have a feeling this is all just about being stuck in a transition phase. They're never very pleasant, and can seem quite endless. However, like I have written, in Lycoris Radiata, "When you come out on the other side, it's in the face of something much better. A brighter world with unfathomable beauty and a happiness that could seemingly go on forever."

Here's hoping,

A.J. Ryan

P.S. I found this pleasing/amusing little article earlier, thought it would be fun to share.

http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/nn20090725f1.html

Scrabbled

"Baby take it easy one me!" Utada Hikaru- Come Back to Me-

This rut is just getting bigger. I'm not feeling so down. In fact I'm feeling a bit more free. I'm changing jobs, which is always a bit hard, but I truly believe that it's for the better. I also registered for all my courses and got them. I had a feeling I would for once.

As for the rut. Well! I haven't run since last Thursday or Friday when I hurt my knees, which are still stiff and my neck. I say I hurt my neck in Taekwon-do from running into the man we've nicknamed "The Wall" because he's unmovable. I run into him every night in seems, though it's usually just me beating up my toes.

Lycoris Radiata refuses to come out on paper. It's all in my head, but it just won't show itself to the physical world. I got a total kick to the confidence last week when I gave out a sample verse to a couple of friends who in turn did not understand it at all. I don't know if it was because of context or that it's just too...deep? I began to question its purpose again. I'm not giving up, but I do find it hard to pick up on the inspiration to write like crazy again. What I need is to literally have no time again. When I'm in school, I want to do all kinds of things besides studying. I write tons, I like to play games, and read, and all that stuff. However, now that I have all the time in the world to do it, I don't have an urge to.

Normally, I have a list of things I want to accomplish over the summer, but this year I didn't do that. I want to be more spontaneous (haha, me?) and just do what I want.

Anyway, I hope I can jump back on the band wagon soon. I got my free training log from RunnersWorld the other day. I intend to use it too! I foresee that this will be easier when I'm back in school and have the gym at my disposal.

Oh! I know I'm jumping topics a lot, but I haven;t posted in a while and a lot of things can happen in just a day. I've got about four more years on my school, and I've deduced that if I save ten dollars a week I should have enough money to at least get me started in Japan. Whether it's for a trip or for work I don't know yet. Most of the details are foggy right now, since a lot can change in four years. I still plan on going to Sendai, which I know will require a plan to Tokyo, and a train ride up the island. Haha, I enjoy passing my time dreaming of the future too much.

I'll end this here before it gets any more confusing. I have to run and get ready for my four hour shift now. Might have a clearer message after I get some exercise in today.

Busy day tomorrow, Taekwon-do testing (going to watch my dear friends), then work, then Taekwon-do party. Fun fun.

Looking forward to the weekend with friends AND family,

A.J. Ryan

Up and Down

"The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find" Stan Bush - Dare-

I went on the bike today. I'm very tired, and starving. It's kind of irritating. Either way I went down into the next town which I think is something of an accomplishment. Big hills, but I never got off my bike once.

I got my sparring gear today which was awesome, though the shoes are too big. I think I might exchange them tomorrow. My Running magazine isn't in yet though :(

I don't know what it is, but I lack motivation today. I'm down. I have all these things around me, and yet nothing really helps. I don't feel what other people say they do. Am I not pushing enough? Not going long or far enough? I find it hard to be clear headed when I'm out there working out. I'm always thinking about what I'll do next, or if I'll go harder, or how much longer I'll push it, or debating with myself if I should pull my gears down a bit. If I'm running, I watch the time, and push and pull and just...sigh. Maybe it would be different if I could just...go. Wouldn't that be great? Like when you were a kid and had nothing else to worry about except for getting home for supper. Time was no object. The only thing you were racing against was your friends for the finish line, or home base. Gosh, the nostalgia is thick!

I think I need transition. The only problem with that lovely part of life is that it cannot be forced.

This is just a regular down in the usual tide of life. It's always up and down, so it can't be helped, but I'll try and do better, try to be better.

Going to keep writing this new part of Lycoris Radiata and maybe eat something else,

A.J. Ryan

P.S. I chose the quote this morning. I started on a much higher note.

"Hunger...I want it so bad I can taste it. It drives me mad to see it wasted" Spectre General-Hunger-

time: 20 minutes
distance: 0.95 miles

Today was a pretty damn good day.

Got up at 8 feeling fresh and excited for the day ahead. Had my breakfast of All Bran flakes, drove mom to work then went next door for my run on the TM (treadmill). Today I popped in the Transformers movie, since my new MP3 player does seem to want to finish its charge anytime soon. I'm patient, but it's almost been a day now, come on! Still, the tunes were well enough especially with the movie to watch. I just do some hard walking since I had a full day ahead of me. Still, every bit counts.

Then I washed up and went to brunch with the gang. That was a fun time, but what was even better was when we went to the park! Who know a buck thirteen of bubbles and some good friends could be so much fun? I hope we do it again soon.

Then came Taekwon-do! Small class tonight, which was a blast. lots of running in our hardcore handball game, and then a real treat! Learning ahead of rank. It made me feel re-motivated and re-energized.

Looking forward to a day with my mother tomorrow, and then work.

Hoping her MP3 player works out,

A.J. Ryan

P.S. she should get some writing in while this mood/time break lasts.

Phase one, CHECK

"Both children and adults like seeing themselves in the mirror, entranced by one's own reflection. If you forget that it's a mirror the silent space will overwhelm you and you'll remember the emptiness." Utada Hikaru- Deep River Poem-

Time: 33 minutes
Distance: 1.45 miles

Phase one officially complete.

I did the walk 4 minute run 2 minute thing and it was a breeze. So now it's time to step up to the next phase. Perhaps it's a bit overdue, but that's life. I also hate to really have to struggle at something. I'd rather wait until it's easy before moving on.

It would have been great except my head is pounding even more that it was all day, and I couldn't hear my movie. I popped in "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" this time. The fight scenes are fun when they land on my run times.

I need to watch my eating a bit more. Back to the point where most everything I eat doesn't sit well with my stomach. I believe this is because there was zero fruit to eat in the house for a week and junk instead. Now that we have fruit again I'm sure it'll fix itself.

Time to shower,

Wondering if she should buy and MP3 player for her runs,

A.J. Ryan

Novel

When I start making a song, for one second I see an amazing view—and in that instant, it cracks and falls to pieces. Then the rest of the process is trying to put the pieces back together. So when it feels familiar, when I see what I saw in that moment the song was conceived, then I know it’s done.—Utada Hikaru

Today's blog entry is going to be about my novel. I didn't work out this morning. I had to get to my second job, and now get ready for my main one. I was stressed, but my mood has changed again. It doesn't seem so daunting once you work on things instead of continuing to worry about them.

I had some trouble getting time to write/inspiration lately. I know now it was partly due to the fact that I was trying to force myself to go a way in which I did not wish to go. Writing, I know, is a gift. Especially this novel. The story was so powerful that it demanded to be written. I write it in different pieces. I know the order, but write only what I want. That way the verses have a better chance of staying perfect as when they first come to mind.

I know that can be a hard concept to follow, but I found a saying from Utada Hikaru that summed it up best. It's my quote for today. It's obvious that she is my absolute favorite artist. The way she writes and sings speaks to my heart, and many of her lyrics inspire my novel.

I don't know if I should say too much, but I'll at least say this. The novel I'm currently working on is called "Lycoris Radiata". It's written in the style of a memoir about a fictional character in a fictional time in this world. It revolves around some themes such as the conflict between the traditions of old and the innovations of the future and the nature of happiness.

This is a Japanese influenced novel in many ways, and one of it's main pieces is that it uses the Hanakotoba, or the Japanese Language of Flowers. The chapter titles are all after types of flower and in return, mean something else. There is garden and flower symbolism/imagery throughout as well as blatant use of flowers by certain characters in order to explain themselves.

Wow, I think I've said too much. I'll just leave off with the prologue.

There is a legend that goes with the Red Spider Lily, or as it is scientifically known, the Lycoris Radiata. It is said that they grow in hell. Yet they guide the dead to the next reincarnation. The most famous legend is of two spirits: Manju and Saka. Manju’s job was to guard the flower while Saka’s was to guard the leaves. They were forbidden to ever guard the flower together and were never to meet each other. However, they defied their fate and met each other. They fell in love at first sight. God became angry with them for their rebelliousness and separated them with a curse to forever punish the couple. From then on the flowers of Manju would never meet the leaves of Saka. And so, when the flower blooms, the leaves fall and when the leaves grow the flower wilts. I associate best with this flower. This is my story.

"Riding on the wind, climbing to the moon. My seat is the one next to yours. Suddenly I return to my senses like a dream on a Spring night." Utada Hikaru-Traveling-

Distance: 2.59km or 1.61miles
time:approx. 30-35 minutes
steps:5400
cals:151.58

So my run turned into a walk today. I wasn't so into it to begin with but when the pain in my calves came back with a vengeance I knew I should take it easy rather than risk injury.

Met a hot guy running with his dog on the way home, which was encouraging :P

I don't know if I'll do anything else today, Taekwon-do class tonight.

Wishing she could push the limits more without consequence,

A.J. Ryan

Cramping

"And I won't give a damn, if only I knew how...." Utada Hikaru - This one-
"This one. This is the one."

I had some nasty charley horse cramps in my left leg last night. It was intense and is still sore today. I imagine it's because we didn't stretch last night in Taekwon-do. We did do some things like vertical kicks over a partner's arm, then stand ups, yes, STAND UPS, and then low fives from a push up position. I was pretty pleased with myself. Oh! Then we went and did a drill where we punched each other in the stomach to harden up the muscles. It wasn't so bad, except when you sometimes got hit too high.

So anyway, this morning I did 45 minutes on the bike or so, which was nice. Picked up a sports drink in hopes that it will help with the cramp, which is very sore today. Gotta try and eat a banana too, apparently potassium helps too. Whoops! Knew I should not have skipped that the past few days.

It's also the day to chop off my hair! I can't wait to get it out of the way. Hopefully it will look good too.

Lots of house work to get to, baking too.

Needs real running sneaks,

A.J. Ryan

Ahsoka Tano: [having just been sentenced to death by Jabba] Does this always happen to you?
Anakin Skywalker: Everywhere I go.

distance: 1.2 miles
time: 25 minutes

This morning I went on the treadmill again. Popped in Star Wars the Clone wars and went away. It seemed so easy, I felt like I could just go on for an hour. But time was tight today. So I cut it short and took it relatively easy. Hopefully tomorrow morning will be good.

Now that I'm back from work I'm staring down a plate of salad wondering if I'll chance it. There's that and a sink full of dishes. Haha. Maybe just a little bit of salad. It normally makes me sick, but I've noticed that ALL the runners are salad heads. It's like, all they eat. So, I thought I should try again.

Wishing back the good times, wondering how to get the same feelings again,

A.J. Ryan

Pain

"We didn’t care ‘cause we loved it there, it was all so simple then" -1989- Lisa Gillam-

Distance: 1.35 miles
time: 30 minutes

Treadmill is awesome! I flipped on the tv with star wars and just went for it. Running hurt a lot though. My hamstrings, my shins, MY KNEES!!! Man! BUT, I got these awesome running socks that wick. They're like heaven on earth. Running on clouds. It makes me excited to get some running sneaks.

I'm also excited to get out and run on the treadmill tomorrow morning.

Has to do her "core exercises",

A.J. Ryan

"You've been put to the test, but it's never enough" -Stan Bush-The Touch-

Time: approx. 30-35 minutes
distance: 2.41 km or 1.5 miles
steps: 5029
cals: 141.2

Today's run I tried to relax a bit more and go where I like. It was nice and cold too. I was motivated when I drove to my brother's this morning and saw all the people out running.

My left hamstring was SO tight after though, it was hard to stretch. I'll have to stretch it again later today when I do my core exercises. But first I must get ready for a Canada day party!

Feeling more confident about this running stuff,

A.J. Ryan