"Am I dreaming? Or am I seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak." -Bad Apple-Touhou-

I have been yearning for the past week or so. I'm not sure if it is because I was reading The Diviners by Margaret Laurence, or that my birthday is coming up. I'm yearning, almost painfully to break away. I go through the days, beat around in the jetstream of routine and everyday obligation. I go to school, try to do the best, get everything done ahead of time. The idea of doing things ahead of time is to have more time to yourself right? That doesn't seem to work with me. I just go at it and think about it so much for so long, until it's time to go to bed. I'm supposed to make time for fun, make time for myself...I just want time to write these days.

Yet I find myself holding in my inspirations, and my ideas. I hold them in until after class; until I get home; until I'm done studying. By the time I get around to sitting down and writing, I can't! It's awful. A waste of inspiration, brilliance, or whatever. It makes me want to stop. Stop everything, and take off. Go somewhere fairly isolated, to a cabin maybe. Spend my days in simplicity, and working on the important things. However, that seems crazy. Then I think, crazy works sometimes. Lots of people get their success from crazy acts, desperate acts. Crazy is sometimes the best thing a person has done for their life.

Still, it seems unlikely I would be able to drop everything and go. I'm always been waiting. Waiting to grow up, waiting to graduate, waiting to live. I wait to break free. I wait to be spontaneous. How paradoxical. I plan and wait for everything, no matter what. It's a little depressing.

Well, that's it. Just looking to get this out in hope that it could help,

A.J. Ryan

"What the Gentleman seeks is in himself, what the Small Man seeks is in others." -Confucius-

I'm so tired. I need to see a doctor, again. I should have sooner, but it just got to be too much stuff at once. I was feeling pretty good then too. There's probably something to act on now though.

I try to work on all the things to be the person I want to be, but it gets in the way.

This sucks.

A.J. Ryan

I'm so Sick

"They don't know I burn. You don't know 'cause you're too busy reading labels." Utada Hikaru -Devil Inside-

I'm so sick of sitting around. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm not who I want to be.

A.J. Ryan